I’m not sure if it’s the pregnancy hormones triggering me to write this post or if it’s because apart of me feels like I’ll be free after I do…maybe there’s a good chance someone out there needs to read this…or maybe this will be nothing more than simply giving ammo to those waiting for the opportunity to place judgement on me. And to those people I’d like to say at least judge me for who I’ve become today not for what I’m about to share.

I am incredibly proud at how far I’ve come and where I stand today. Many of you are looking up to me assuming I’ve walked a perfect path and stumbled upon a perfect life. That is the furthest from the truth. I want you to know that wherever you are, whatever struggles you are currently facing is EXACTLY where you need to be. It may not make sense right now, but you don’t even know where you’re being led or what you’re being protected  from. I promise you won’t be caught in a moment forever…unfortunately that mean’s the good ones too. So don’t get stuck in your comfort zone. Keep growing and you’ll never be disappointed.

The Truth:

We as humans often compare ourselves to others. “If that person has it why can’t I?” or “If I had that I’d be so much happier.”

This type of mentality is so crippling to every individual and I was one of those people who got caught in this vicious cycle. We want what we don’t have. Then when we do get it; it’s not enough, and we find ourselves wanting more. So where do we draw the line? IS there a line? That was my biggest struggle. Trying to figure what I needed to accomplish in order to feel complete and happy.

There is no book that teaches us how to navigate through life. The Bible in my opinion is the closest, but even so I feel like we all must rise, and fall for our purpose is found between the two.

There were moments when I was on top of the world, and then there were those that had me stripped to my soul. I was going at a fast pace, maneuvering through dangerous obstacles. I knew I’d have to pump the breaks or else I would have lived fast and died young, but I really didn’t know when to stop. Or if I wanted to for that matter. Living on the edge was exciting. It was a game. Seeing how much I can get away with, and what I was capable of.

So lets jump right in! Where was I BEFORE this:

Might have looked something like this:

Photos Not Available ❌

Small-town Girl 

I’ve always known myself to be a bit different. I never wanted to fit into what was considered “normal society standards.” Like eat your veggies and go to school type of shit. High School is when I realized education didn’t only come in the form of books. There was way too much out there that needed to be explored. I went against everything my peers were doing, and allowed myself to fall into the real world. I ended up shattering into a million pieces before becoming the best version of myself and that is how I preferred to learn…

If I need to fall and break in order to learn valuable life lessons then let me fall again and again.

Around 14 years old I started hanging around older crowds because I was more interested in what they were doing rather than kids my age who thought it was funny to get high off whippits. Obviously since I was so young I was restricted from having complete freedom, but that never stopped me. I was sneaking out of the house in slutty outfits that were stolen from Wet Seal, jumping in a car with people I met the night before, and heading out to the hookah bars hoping I wouldn’t get a call from my mom. I remember desperately trying to fit in. Always wanting attention and making sure I wouldn’t miss out on anything. Smoking cigarettes, rolling blunts, putting my mouth on a hookah that was passed around by 20 people, and drowning myself in cheap liquor. Around that time I ended up dating my first serious bf at age 15 and I believe he was 22 or 23. I guess you can say he was my first love and the one I lost my virginity to. Glad it wasn’t to some random one night stand lol. So how did that relationship end? Well he was a sweetheart and I wanted the bad boys. I went from one asshole to the next, but thank God that didn’t last long. There was only so much dirty apartments, and IHOP dates I could take. I got bored when everything felt too easy. I wanted A LOT more. My small town wasn’t fulfilling that temptation for a finer lifestyle that I craved.

 I had nothing, and wanted everything. 

I needed preparation for the bigger cities so I started paying someone to make me fake ID’s which worked for the most part. Other times I’d use someone’s who resembled me. Although that failed a few times. Like when I went to a club in Tahoe, and the bouncer asked me to sign the way I did on my “ID.” I memorized the important stuff like name and birthdate…but to practice the damn signature!? I didn’t see that one coming. Or that one time in Vegas when they called my bluff, and made the situation look like I was the worst criminal ever. 10 security guards huddled around me. Taking my photo, having me fill out some paperwork, and then dragging me out like a rag doll.

It wasn’t actually the clubs I was after. It was the people in there who I was intrigued by. I wanted to be the one pulling up in a Lamborghini, walking out in a Herve Leger dress and escorted to VIP. It didn’t take long before that started happening and it only got better after I discovered the power of the internet. How you can meet anyone you want, and go anywhere you’d like.

The Dangers of the Web 

I chatted up with strangers online who I’d eventually fly out to meet. Yes, FLY out. Looking back at it now (especially because I have a daughter) kinda makes my skin crawl because many times I was stuck in very vulnerable, uncomfortable situations. For example being thrown out of a hotel room because I wouldn’t get “intimate.” So there I was stranded in the middle of the night, couldn’t afford another place to stay, and my flight doesn’t leave till next week. Or the times I flew out to meet someone, and they stood me up. As in they never showed up! Can you imagine how incredibly lost, and helpless I felt during those moments? This was when I turned into a ruthless b*tch. I acted accordingly to what I thought you deserved. I’d say the worst was pulling the “underage card.” That would make anyone think twice before trying to get away with something shady. I wasn’t afraid to let them know I had the power to ruin their life by turning them in at any moment. One time the joke was on me when the man said I was being turned in for extortion because we met in Reno, and the legal age there was 16. That was pretty scary, but not as scary as the man who tried to push me and my friend off a cliff in the middle of the woods after we told him we were 17. A little f*cked up to admit but I got some sick thrill out of their reactions, and it’s almost like I started to purposely find ways to trap them. There was only 2 types of behaviors. Those who were scared shitless and those who put up a fight. Obviously it was easier dealing with the ones who’d cooperate, but it was more fun with those who thought they could outsmart me because in the end I always won.

That’s what I wanted. To win.

The sad reality….I was never up against anybody. It was more of a battle between the angel and devil I carried on each shoulder.  

Even though this part of my life sounds chaotic it wasn’t always like that. In fact this was the beginning of what I was searching for. Fancy dinners, private jets, exotic cars, 5 star hotel rooms and so on…Aside from all that materialistic stuff this was when I built confidence, courage, and found my strength. I was put through so much up’s and down’s which ultimately made me dig my roots deeper into the ground so I wouldn’t be so easily destroyed. Anyways, who cares about that right? You guys wanna know about the stories that get your hearts racing right???

Craigslist Nightmare – 

 I responded to a craigslist ad that read: “Looking for a personal shopper.” I immediately got on a flight to NY for my interview and a few days later I landed what was any girls dream job:

I was in charge of buying designer shoes. Gucci. Versace, you name it…

It never felt like a job because everything about it was so glamorous and exciting. Knowing the manager at Saks is waiting for my arrival never got old. I was traveling a lot between New York and San Francisco. Making great money, bought my first BMW…I really couldn’t believe this was my reality. Then one day….reality became my worst nightmare. The apartment that was owned by my “boss” get’s bombarded by cops. Arresting everyone and all of a sudden I’m being accused of laundering money, and transporting illegal drugs. I’ll end this story with letting you know I was found innocent, but to this day I still wonder how the f*ck did I get involved in something like that?! I was completely clueless about the entire scheme. The shoes I was buying was simply a distraction from the bigger picture. The drugs where being hidden in the boxes for transportation. I should have known something was sketchy when I was given suitcase’s of hundreds wrapped in bands to buy these shoes lol

You would think I’d stop playing with fire after almost landing in jail, but that was just what I needed to shift my focus. I already got a taste of the good life, but now I knew what if felt to be independent and now that’s what I wanted. Independency. I would have rather sold my soul before going back to those filthy hookah bars, loser bad boys, or my small-town that I saw had nothing for me after dipping my toes in gold.

So what did I do? I waited till I turned 21, and moved to Miami. A city I knew was for someone as hungry as me. They say a person can only take so much before they break, but I actually loved my downfalls because I got up stronger and wiser each time. At this point I was straight up savage….my motivation strictly came from wanting revenge.

21 in Miami  

Believe it or not getting a job as a bottle girl in a popular nightclub is pretty f*cking hard. Certain qualifications need to be met like having previous experience, being able to up sell your clients, understand your liquor and having a nice pair of tits doesn’t hurt. Oh and the most important one, being able to down a bottle of 1942 lol. None of which applied to me. However, what I did have was a shit ton of confidence. Truthfully that’s all you’ll ever need to get what you want. I smiled to the manager, fed him some convincing lies and next thing you know I’m working the VIP tables. Everything I dabbled into before was NOTHING compared to this. That little small-town girl that dreamed of glamour, money & success was looking dead at it, straight in the face. I was ready to go all in. I didn’t know anything when it came to bottle serving but I knew I had power over the high-rolling customers who I was VERY familiar with.   And those were the ones I was after. Devouring the souls of all the rich men who walked through those doors as payback for the ones who did me dirty in the past. If you’d ask me to sell a bottle of Tito’s for $350 to a group of young hot guys I’d have a harder time doing that then selling a $5000 bottle of champagne to an older man. I was a master at lying, scheming and manipulating because unfortunately those are the skills I picked up on from being contaminated by the world. I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. The sin of greed got ahold of my throat. I went as far as finding drugs and hookers for my customers if the price was right. Give me a bonus and I’d allow you to use one of the “secret bathrooms” to do whatever it is you needed while I looked for my next victim.

Side Note – bottle girls often get labeled horrible names and I don’t want my personal story to effect the way you view the women in the industry. This was MY journey not anyone else’s and it’s definitely not the one I normally talk about, because my God there was so much more to all of this.

My shifts would end when the sun came up, but the party never stopped. There was always strip clubs, yacht parties and Star Island where someone’s mansion became your playground for a few days. Drugs and alcohol quickly became part of my diet, and waking up next to someone famous was no big deal. All my days started looking the same. If it wasn’t paid trips, it was paid dinners, if it wasn’t making thousands of dollars a night it was laying on the beach getting a tan. Some of my greatest memories were made around this time. So f*cking great that it became dangerous. I got handcuffed to the lifestyle that I so badly once craved. I wanted to get out but I couldn’t. This was all I knew…All I was good at, and all I thought I’d ever be good for.

The same girl who wanted all of this didn’t want it anymore. 

I found myself more empty than ever. I would look at myself in the mirror, and the reflection wasn’t me anymore. It was girl with a deceitful smile on her face and coldness in her heart.

I had everything, but had nothing.

A Simple Prayer

I remember making a deal with God. I said “I will walk away from everything if You shine light back into my life.” A few weeks later I met Mike…

I ended up saying goodbye to the life I worked 7 years for. I knew that timing was everything, and if this man was placed in my life it was no accident.

TODAY

You know when I said “we all want what we don’t have?” Well, actually, its pretty f*cking simple. You need to want something that money can’t buy.

I hope sharing a little piece of my past shows you that your life doesn’t have to be perfect to be amazing. There is magic in the mess…

oh,

but heres where the plot thickens…

My story doesn’t end here. In fact, the challenges and the struggles have multiplied. It’s just a matter of time before I find enough courage to write my next post.

72 comments

  1. Thank you for sharing your story!! I’m so glad you’ve come so far and you are such an amazing mama to Luna 😊 also, your writing is so elegant

  2. This is why I love you! It takes so much courage to be this honest and show your followers that life isn’t always picture perfect! Everyone has to go through life and fall in order to understand themselves and their purpose. Your awareness and ability to stand by your story is admirable. Keep doing what you do girl!

  3. It’s so crazy and kind of scary to believe all this happened to you at such a young age! You should seriously write a book!
    I Love how you’re being honest and open, and showing others that life wasn’t as happy as it seemed on social media at one point. If only more people were open and honest like you!

  4. Wooooooooooah 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 Plz write a book do a podcast, start vlogging we need more liana! I just am always in awe of your personality and authenticity!!!!

  5. As I was reading this post it reminded me so much of myself! Growing up in the Bay Area, always craving “bigger & better” things. I had times that scared the shit out of me & I told myself, never again buuut then I was back at it the next day. All until I had my son. He’s my world & I’m super mom but there’s a part of me, underneath it all that is still a ruthless bitch Haha
    Anyhow, thanks for sharing. As always, love how real you keep it. One day, I’m sure Luna will be proud to know how strong her mom is.

  6. I’m so happy God gave you a way out and now you have such a wonderful growing family. Seriously sound like it could be a movie or book! Something like this also takes some serious courage to share so thank you for that💙

  7. Wow so crazy, thanks for sharing! Everything you said is true, money isn’t everything. I’m so glad you found Mike! God truly sent him down to you to take care of you and give you everything you need to feel complete. He still gave you everything you wanted and more! Your past has taught you to be the person you are today. You are truly an inspiration, never forget that.

  8. Oh Liana you’re a wonderful woman. You are such a badass honest woman and you inspire everyone to look up to you! Regardless of the past, you’ve come such a long way and you deserve every bit of credit for that. Thanks for being so real as it takes so much of courage ❤️❤️ you are the best mom to Luna. One day she’s gonna be so proud of you!! Loads of love from India 🇮🇳

  9. You have so much courage for this post. I literally started to tear up as the story kept getting more real. You have came SO FAR! Your an amazing wife & mom! Thank you for opening up you’re amazing!!

  10. Than you for sharing your story. You’ve seen the ugly side of the world for such a young person… I grew up a strict household and was so afraid of doing anything wrong especially getting caught…. how did your parents handle it? Glad your life turned around. You are a great mom.

  11. Omg! I loved reading this. I often get lost in this social media With girls traveling island to island shopping spree and it makes me think why is that not me? I want that too. But then I like look at the life I do have and it’s exactly where I’m suppose to be. Everything I want and need I have it. I remember seeing you at 16 partying and having a “great” life while my mom locked me up at home – I hated her I couldn’t even sneak out. oh you once asked to borrow my ID I was so impressed liana wants my id? but we never end up meeting and you left to Vegas. Yes, crazy I still remember lol. You have defenetly became the best version of your self and having a family money cannot buy that 💯
    Your family is soooo cute
    Every time we visit Miami my bf says “can we visit Liana” haha I’m like nooo!!! – he loves to watch your IG stories with me 😂😂😂😂

  12. Wow Lianna! I didn’t want it to stop. You need to write a book! This was amazing and so brave of you to share that, not a lot of people would have the courage to tell a story like this. Love love love that you took everything good out of those lessons and didn’t let it change you in the worst way or become bitter. That’s very important because most girls in that lifestyle get so sucked in they can never come back and unfortunately don’t learn any lessons from any of it. You’re like the soulmate I never met! Love you for sharing this!

  13. This was such a good read. It brought me back to my younger years. I may have not lived a lavish life in a big city, but I did do a lot of things I’m not proud of. I completely agree that you need to fall hard before you realize that you need a change. I went through a really toxic relationship, and I had to fall flat on my face before I had the courage to walk away. I’m now a mommy of 4 with a wonderful God-fearing man, and I wouldn’t give up this life for anything! Thanks for sharing such personal stories, and making girls like me feel better about not having a pretty past. XOXO

  14. One of the many reasons why I love following you. You’re so honest and open ❤️ Thank you for sharing this!
    Love following you and seeing your little family grow!

  15. I’m so glad you found courage in yourself to write this, by writing this you became even more stronger!!! I’m happy that everything ended good at the end of your parting days! I know there are girls in this world who go down the same path but don’t have strength to get out…. it’s sad but true. I hope your story will be that “light” to another girl and give her that push to get out!

  16. Thank you for sharing this! I admire you so much! The courage it takes to open up is amazing! I relate so much to you and in your post and blogs I can see I’m not alone in so many things (specially my anxiety) I remember being in such a toxic and horrible relationship and asking God to take me out of it and in a few days my now husband contacted me after 4 yrs, definitely Gods timing is perfect.

  17. I love your posts. Amazing story. You’re beautiful person. It would be nice to have a podcast or book👀☺️

  18. I love how honest you are with everyone! It takes a lot of courage and shows how real you are. I love it!!

  19. Thanks for sharing your story with us, Liana. I admire your courage and honesty. It’s inspiring how you learned to be humble from being at the top and how you got the best life has to offer from being at the bottom. You’re a great mom. Continue being an inspiration. We’ll wait for your next post until you’re ready. 😊

  20. This was not only well written but made me love you more! After all that, your heart is so warm and humble! Can’t wait to hear more and maybe even some details on what you witnessed! You’ve lived such a experience rich life and continue to do so. Thanks for sharing the ride with us! Xo!

  21. Liana, thank you so much for sharing your story❤ I love your honesty, there is nothing wrong talking about your past…We all have a past…Its our past that defines who we are today…So proud of you for sharing your story…I also had a ugly past, today I am a better person and Thank God everyday🙏 Love your little family and can’t wait to see your baby boy pics…..Much love to you from Ontario, Canada

  22. You are SO beautiful and simple! Thank you for sharing this and HELL YES!! there is definetely beauty in the mess. You and Mike are amazing together and make the most gorgeous family!!! Cannot wait to see baby boy in the mix! 😍❤️ This post just made me love you more foreal haha. You go girl 🤩

  23. It’s sorta crazy to look back at our lives and think, how in the hell did I survive….literally. You’re definitely not alone in living on the edge. As teens and young adults we think we’re invincible and nothing will happen to us. Then you have children and you are horrified that they could one day do a fraction of what we did. Not only did you survive, you came out to be a beautiful wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend from what I can tell. And if given the chance I think lots of young girls would take the finer things in life even if at a price, after all we are told from birth that we are princesses. Your fun but dangerous path led to where you where you are meant to be. Even with a crazy past, you’re still pretty darn perfect!

  24. You have come so far! And honestly you’re probably a better person for it! It made you realize what you actually needed and look at you now! Great blog post. ☺️

  25. I loved reading this. Honesty sets us free. I’m so proud of you, look how far you’ve come since our lunch date at OTL 2+ years ago!! And I remember you said it would all be for Luna back then 🙂 I think about you often. Lots of love and blessings your way babe

  26. I loved this! You are a great writer and very in detail and makes the reader feel involved. I hope one day you write a book and continue to live your best life regardless of all the haters. They all hate because they wish they have what you have!

  27. Oh man you could write a damn book! That was intense! I’m so happy you decided to share this. I can’t wait to read more! 💗💗Liana, you are a damn blessing. You’re an amazing woman all around in my opinion. 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗

  28. You are unapologetically your self and that’s what so beautiful about you. Thank you for sharing! Vulnerability is an intimate feeling to share but we all have had a vulnerable time in our life. The stores may not be the same but it’s the meaning behind them that are! It’s all about the journey that leads you to where you need to be. Life is never easy & it’s nice to know no matter what the circumstance is that your not alone. I’m excited to hear more!

  29. Such a good read. So impressive how far you’ve come! Can’t wait for more blog posts like this, your writing is so intriguing!
    Do you think you’d ever write a book?

  30. This is a horrible, yet beautiful story. This is who you are, you would not be the Liana I know today if you haven’t went through all that shit. Thank you for sharing♥️ You are brave

  31. Wow girl, the amount of bravery it takes to open up so deeply is immense. Learning from your past and being able to share it shows that you have grown into such a wise and beautiful woman, inside and out- blessings to you dear. 💖

  32. I’m so proud of you for writing this and sharing it with us! Knowing what you went through and where you are now gives a much bigger picture at the kind of person you are. From reading your very first post to this, I can already see how much progress you’ve done. I can’t wait for the next one!

  33. This is very touching!! The fact that you had the gut to share your story says a lot about you! Sharing that part of your life opens people eyes! I’m sure you touched many young lives. This is by far my favorite post. Well done Liana your a true inspiration.

  34. I started reading this and I couldn’t finish I’m too emotional today . I’ll be back later for sure . You are an amazing human being ❤️

  35. I’ve always liked your posts and followed you for a while however this post was on another level! How amazing it is that you opened up so much! Not going to lie I like you even more love how REAL you were! Bless your heart. Can’t wait to read your next…

  36. This is so well written. I love how real how you got with this. I think it’s so important to have experiences before settling down with a family. Just cause you didn’t lead a conventional lifestyle, doesn’t mean that it’s wrong. I’m sure a lot of “haters” secretly wish they had the guts to live their lives the way that you do.
    Xo

  37. YOU NEED TO WRITE A BOOK!!! That was seriously so interesting and I can hear your voice in your writing so well. You’re so brave for putting yourself out there and sharing your experiences so many women/ people in general that read this are going to benefit from it. You’re awesome and such a talented writer, I loved it Liana!💜

  38. Thanks for sharing gorgeous! You were an amazing person before and after meeting mike, you just deserve the life with him! Miss and always love you and our Miami days! Ps that was such a heat read && thanks for being honest and sharing! 💕💕

  39. This was better than “fifty shades of grey”. To be continued….
    Cants wait! Just love for how honest and real you are! Thanks for sharing!

  40. Liana, I always saw you as this really funny badass mom, but now you’re so much more! Wow, I respect you immensely for sharing this. I know it wasn’t easy. I love that you own your past, and wear it proudly! You’re amazing!!! ❤️

  41. You’re such a boss! Thank you for your transparency. Stories like these make all the difference for so many people. Keep killing it.

  42. Thanks so much for sharing your blog Liana! That takes courage! I truly believe God uses us in ways we can’t even fathom. I hope your raw honesty can help others who may be headed down the wrong path. Unfortunately most have to hit rock bottom to realize this themselves, but maybe your words can save people even if it’s just one person from a path of pain and destruction. I remember the exact day when I prayed out to God saying I’m done with trying to control my life and I told him to take the wheel. Shortly after that my husband walked into my life! It’s crazy how many blessings pour out if we just surrender it all to Him! The truest joy and peace I’ve ever known is through Jesus. Keep shining and being the amazing woman God made you to be! You’re extremely intelligent, beautiful and strong! I’m glad to have met you and shared some of our stories together in Miami a few years back ❤️! Much love and prayers! Xo!

  43. Wow secrets of the past is amazing! I’ll honestly say I thought you’d always had this rich and glamorous life . I’d find myself looking at your Instagram posts and being so jealous of your outfits, trips, adventures, etc and being so jealous and wondering how some people are so lucky to just get that life. It’s so nice to know that you have a past and it’s not always been pretty. You had a goal and worked hard to get where you are today! Thanks so much for sharing 💗

  44. Where to start? I loved reading your story. I have no words to describe what I feel about what I just read. I didn’t live that life at all but it touched me in so many ways. I’m so happy you have find a place (being a wife, a momma, all of that + being a woman) that makes you happy. What you lived made you stronger and def, in many years it’ll help your children with all the doubts, the ups and downs in their lives, they will always have this perfect mum to guide them.
    Thank you for sharing, I’ll wait for all the other parts when you’re ready to share it hahaha. Much love and respect your way.

  45. I love this! It was like reading a book! Thank you for opening up and being so real!! I’m so glad you are so happy & you are a wonderful mama and wife!! Can’t wait to read your next blog post 🤗

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