I’m not sure if it’s the pregnancy hormones triggering me to write this post or if it’s because apart of me feels like I’ll be free after I do…maybe there’s a good chance someone out there needs to read this…or maybe this will be nothing more than simply giving ammo to those waiting for the opportunity to place judgement on me. And to those people I’d like to say at least judge me for who I’ve become today not for what I’m about to share.
I am incredibly proud at how far I’ve come and where I stand today. Many of you are looking up to me assuming I’ve walked a perfect path and stumbled upon a perfect life. That is the furthest from the truth. I want you to know that wherever you are, whatever struggles you are currently facing is EXACTLY where you need to be. It may not make sense right now, but you don’t even know where you’re being led or what you’re being protected from. I promise you won’t be caught in a moment forever…unfortunately that mean’s the good ones too. So don’t get stuck in your comfort zone. Keep growing and you’ll never be disappointed.
We as humans often compare ourselves to others. “If that person has it why can’t I?” or “If I had that I’d be so much happier.”
This type of mentality is so crippling to every individual and I was one of those people who got caught in this vicious cycle. We want what we don’t have. Then when we do get it; it’s not enough, and we find ourselves wanting more. So where do we draw the line? IS there a line? That was my biggest struggle. Trying to figure what I needed to accomplish in order to feel complete and happy.
There is no book that teaches us how to navigate through life. The Bible in my opinion is the closest, but even so I feel like we all must rise, and fall for our purpose is found between the two.
There were moments when I was on top of the world, and then there were those that had me stripped to my soul. I was going at a fast pace, maneuvering through dangerous obstacles. I knew I’d have to pump the breaks or else I would have lived fast and died young, but I really didn’t know when to stop. Or if I wanted to for that matter. Living on the edge was exciting. It was a game. Seeing how much I can get away with, and what I was capable of.
So lets jump right in! Where was I BEFORE this:
Might have looked something like this:
Photos Not Available ❌
I’ve always known myself to be a bit different. I never wanted to fit into what was considered “normal society standards.” Like eat your veggies and go to school type of shit. High School is when I realized education didn’t only come in the form of books. There was way too much out there that needed to be explored. I went against everything my peers were doing, and allowed myself to fall into the real world. I ended up shattering into a million pieces before becoming the best version of myself and that is how I preferred to learn…
If I need to fall and break in order to learn valuable life lessons then let me fall again and again.
Around 14 years old I started hanging around older crowds because I was more interested in what they were doing rather than kids my age who thought it was funny to get high off whippits. Obviously since I was so young I was restricted from having complete freedom, but that never stopped me. I was sneaking out of the house in slutty outfits that were stolen from Wet Seal, jumping in a car with people I met the night before, and heading out to the hookah bars hoping I wouldn’t get a call from my mom. I remember desperately trying to fit in. Always wanting attention and making sure I wouldn’t miss out on anything. Smoking cigarettes, rolling blunts, putting my mouth on a hookah that was passed around by 20 people, and drowning myself in cheap liquor. Around that time I ended up dating my first serious bf at age 15 and I believe he was 22 or 23. I guess you can say he was my first love and the one I lost my virginity to. Glad it wasn’t to some random one night stand lol. So how did that relationship end? Well he was a sweetheart and I wanted the bad boys. I went from one asshole to the next, but thank God that didn’t last long. There was only so much dirty apartments, and IHOP dates I could take. I got bored when everything felt too easy. I wanted A LOT more. My small town wasn’t fulfilling that temptation for a finer lifestyle that I craved.
I had nothing, and wanted everything.
I needed preparation for the bigger cities so I started paying someone to make me fake ID’s which worked for the most part. Other times I’d use someone’s who resembled me. Although that failed a few times. Like when I went to a club in Tahoe, and the bouncer asked me to sign the way I did on my “ID.” I memorized the important stuff like name and birthdate…but to practice the damn signature!? I didn’t see that one coming. Or that one time in Vegas when they called my bluff, and made the situation look like I was the worst criminal ever. 10 security guards huddled around me. Taking my photo, having me fill out some paperwork, and then dragging me out like a rag doll.
It wasn’t actually the clubs I was after. It was the people in there who I was intrigued by. I wanted to be the one pulling up in a Lamborghini, walking out in a Herve Leger dress and escorted to VIP. It didn’t take long before that started happening and it only got better after I discovered the power of the internet. How you can meet anyone you want, and go anywhere you’d like.
The Dangers of the Web
I chatted up with strangers online who I’d eventually fly out to meet. Yes, FLY out. Looking back at it now (especially because I have a daughter) kinda makes my skin crawl because many times I was stuck in very vulnerable, uncomfortable situations. For example being thrown out of a hotel room because I wouldn’t get “intimate.” So there I was stranded in the middle of the night, couldn’t afford another place to stay, and my flight doesn’t leave till next week. Or the times I flew out to meet someone, and they stood me up. As in they never showed up! Can you imagine how incredibly lost, and helpless I felt during those moments? This was when I turned into a ruthless b*tch. I acted accordingly to what I thought you deserved. I’d say the worst was pulling the “underage card.” That would make anyone think twice before trying to get away with something shady. I wasn’t afraid to let them know I had the power to ruin their life by turning them in at any moment. One time the joke was on me when the man said I was being turned in for extortion because we met in Reno, and the legal age there was 16. That was pretty scary, but not as scary as the man who tried to push me and my friend off a cliff in the middle of the woods after we told him we were 17. A little f*cked up to admit but I got some sick thrill out of their reactions, and it’s almost like I started to purposely find ways to trap them. There was only 2 types of behaviors. Those who were scared shitless and those who put up a fight. Obviously it was easier dealing with the ones who’d cooperate, but it was more fun with those who thought they could outsmart me because in the end I always won.
That’s what I wanted. To win.
The sad reality….I was never up against anybody. It was more of a battle between the angel and devil I carried on each shoulder.
Even though this part of my life sounds chaotic it wasn’t always like that. In fact this was the beginning of what I was searching for. Fancy dinners, private jets, exotic cars, 5 star hotel rooms and so on…Aside from all that materialistic stuff this was when I built confidence, courage, and found my strength. I was put through so much up’s and down’s which ultimately made me dig my roots deeper into the ground so I wouldn’t be so easily destroyed. Anyways, who cares about that right? You guys wanna know about the stories that get your hearts racing right???
Craigslist Nightmare –
I responded to a craigslist ad that read: “Looking for a personal shopper.” I immediately got on a flight to NY for my interview and a few days later I landed what was any girls dream job:
I was in charge of buying designer shoes. Gucci. Versace, you name it…
It never felt like a job because everything about it was so glamorous and exciting. Knowing the manager at Saks is waiting for my arrival never got old. I was traveling a lot between New York and San Francisco. Making great money, bought my first BMW…I really couldn’t believe this was my reality. Then one day….reality became my worst nightmare. The apartment that was owned by my “boss” get’s bombarded by cops. Arresting everyone and all of a sudden I’m being accused of laundering money, and transporting illegal drugs. I’ll end this story with letting you know I was found innocent, but to this day I still wonder how the f*ck did I get involved in something like that?! I was completely clueless about the entire scheme. The shoes I was buying was simply a distraction from the bigger picture. The drugs where being hidden in the boxes for transportation. I should have known something was sketchy when I was given suitcase’s of hundreds wrapped in bands to buy these shoes lol
You would think I’d stop playing with fire after almost landing in jail, but that was just what I needed to shift my focus. I already got a taste of the good life, but now I knew what if felt to be independent and now that’s what I wanted. Independency. I would have rather sold my soul before going back to those filthy hookah bars, loser bad boys, or my small-town that I saw had nothing for me after dipping my toes in gold.
So what did I do? I waited till I turned 21, and moved to Miami. A city I knew was for someone as hungry as me. They say a person can only take so much before they break, but I actually loved my downfalls because I got up stronger and wiser each time. At this point I was straight up savage….my motivation strictly came from wanting revenge.
21 in Miami
Believe it or not getting a job as a bottle girl in a popular nightclub is pretty f*cking hard. Certain qualifications need to be met like having previous experience, being able to up sell your clients, understand your liquor and having a nice pair of tits doesn’t hurt. Oh and the most important one, being able to down a bottle of 1942 lol. None of which applied to me. However, what I did have was a shit ton of confidence. Truthfully that’s all you’ll ever need to get what you want. I smiled to the manager, fed him some convincing lies and next thing you know I’m working the VIP tables. Everything I dabbled into before was NOTHING compared to this. That little small-town girl that dreamed of glamour, money & success was looking dead at it, straight in the face. I was ready to go all in. I didn’t know anything when it came to bottle serving but I knew I had power over the high-rolling customers who I was VERY familiar with. And those were the ones I was after. Devouring the souls of all the rich men who walked through those doors as payback for the ones who did me dirty in the past. If you’d ask me to sell a bottle of Tito’s for $350 to a group of young hot guys I’d have a harder time doing that then selling a $5000 bottle of champagne to an older man. I was a master at lying, scheming and manipulating because unfortunately those are the skills I picked up on from being contaminated by the world. I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. The sin of greed got ahold of my throat. I went as far as finding drugs and hookers for my customers if the price was right. Give me a bonus and I’d allow you to use one of the “secret bathrooms” to do whatever it is you needed while I looked for my next victim.
Side Note – bottle girls often get labeled horrible names and I don’t want my personal story to effect the way you view the women in the industry. This was MY journey not anyone else’s and it’s definitely not the one I normally talk about, because my God there was so much more to all of this.
My shifts would end when the sun came up, but the party never stopped. There was always strip clubs, yacht parties and Star Island where someone’s mansion became your playground for a few days. Drugs and alcohol quickly became part of my diet, and waking up next to someone famous was no big deal. All my days started looking the same. If it wasn’t paid trips, it was paid dinners, if it wasn’t making thousands of dollars a night it was laying on the beach getting a tan. Some of my greatest memories were made around this time. So f*cking great that it became dangerous. I got handcuffed to the lifestyle that I so badly once craved. I wanted to get out but I couldn’t. This was all I knew…All I was good at, and all I thought I’d ever be good for.
The same girl who wanted all of this didn’t want it anymore.
I found myself more empty than ever. I would look at myself in the mirror, and the reflection wasn’t me anymore. It was girl with a deceitful smile on her face and coldness in her heart.
I had everything, but had nothing.
A Simple Prayer
I remember making a deal with God. I said “I will walk away from everything if You shine light back into my life.” A few weeks later I met Mike…
I ended up saying goodbye to the life I worked 7 years for. I knew that timing was everything, and if this man was placed in my life it was no accident.
You know when I said “we all want what we don’t have?” Well, actually, its pretty f*cking simple. You need to want something that money can’t buy.
I hope sharing a little piece of my past shows you that your life doesn’t have to be perfect to be amazing. There is magic in the mess…
but heres where the plot thickens…
My story doesn’t end here. In fact, the challenges and the struggles have multiplied. It’s just a matter of time before I find enough courage to write my next post.