They say happiness comes from within, but what does that actually mean? Being happy to me meant loving and enjoying life no matter what the circumstances were. Just like most people I’ve gone through heartaches, job loses, betrayals, uncertainties, financial instability, deaths and so on, but I was still happy. I couldn’t wait to wake up because there was so much to look forward to…until a month ago. A month ago I didn’t want to wake up. Waking up meant feeling. And these feelings I was not familiar with. Hopelessness, depression, crying spells, dangerous thoughts. It felt as though all the positivity, all the joy, all the excitement was sucked right out of me. I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. I actually started to lose touch with reality. Everything around me meant nothing. I didn’t care to eat, I didn’t care to shower, I didn’t care about my friends, my family. My kids. I looked at them and felt nothing. How is that even possible? I loved them so much it hurt. My kids were and ARE my life. I live for them. They became my world the second they took their first breaths…now I was gasping for mine.
Happiness from within? Well, truth is, that can be taken away at any given moment without you even knowing. I was questioning everything I thought I knew about myself.
I’m a firm believer that we cause the severity of our depression/anxiety. You can create your own misery by giving up. You are the energy that brings light in your own life. My only option was to fight, but I couldn’t do it alone. This was bigger than me. I needed God. The one who makes the impossible, possible. You know what that meant for me? Being able to drive my daughter to school. Going to the grocery store. Being alone for more than 30 minutes. Yes my anxiety was THAT bad. It was debilitating me from accomplishing the most simplest things. Depression slowly latched on, and so I was left with these two insanely frustrating mental illnesses. So how did I agree to pack my life into boxes and go on such a spontaneous adventure with two toddlers and a man who was on his way to becoming my ex husband? I really don’t have the answer to that. What I do know is that once again God is moving me towards this certain direction. This was the fight. Not the kind of fight where someone is defeated, but the kind of fight that will uncover the truth. You see, I’m my worst enemy right now. My soul is disheveled, and my spirit is unsure of it’s strength. I don’t trust that I can push through my intrusive thoughts. I have up’s, I have down’s, it’s a constant battle between telling myself I’m okay and really being okay. I’m struggling, and I’m admitting it. That is why I can’t allow myself to make such a serious decision that involves the future of my family. Not under the confusing foggy state I’m in. What is real, what is not? I worry I may be complicating things and allowing fear to set me back. Will I still be lonely because I’m looking for happiness in all the wrong places? Am I trying to compensate for what I lack through the strengths in others? Maybe not all journeys need a partner. Is this a set back or a step in the right direction? Clearly I can’t tell the difference between opportunity or the sound of warning.
The Plan Before:
Once the beach house sold we were going to take some time apart. I would get my own place and so would Mike. I needed that time to rebuild all the things I lost. My confidence, my independency, my peace, my sanity. I just wanted to find the Liana before the Liana DeGeorge. They say nothing changes, if nothing changes. I wanted to remove myself from the environment that brought me so much pain. I wanted to remember what it felt like to wake up and genuinely be happy. I know what it’s like to love and be in love, I know what it’s like to be content. I’ve explored the deepest parts of me, and I know what I need to feel alive. It’s not the nice cars, it’s not the nice vacations, or the shopping sprees or the fancy restaurants. Truth is, the novelty of wealth wears off. What I need can only be achieved with self work, the power lies within to make the changes needed. That goes for everybody. Which is why I can’t stand when people say “your life is so perfect.” Does a person’s lifestyle have anything to do with internal satisfaction? With all that being said, we have already removed ourselves from the environment that was attached to all the pain. Now is when we can really see what we have left to work with.
The Plan Now:
Time apart would not teach us how to spend our time together. As friends, coparents, or anything beyond that.
We sold our house, got rid of our belongings, and it felt like our chains have been broken. We were cuffed for so many years. We tried to start our life, but anytime something good happened, something bad followed. 6 years of tears, anger, lawsuits, mold, financial burdens, instability, chaos, ultimately ripped us into pieces. We were two completely different people from the ones we were when we first met. And that is why this time is crucial for us. Is it possible that we can go back in time and have a redo? Unfortunately time has been lost, however a redo is what I think we deserve. So we closed the door, took a look at the house one more time and walked away…together as a family. Our secrets, our story, our destruction can seep through those walls, but we laid our suffering to rest.
It is so exciting and incredibly liberating to know nothing is holding us back. We have no serious bills to pay, no permanent address, no responsibilities except for keeping ourselves and the kids alive lol. More than likely this is the only chance we’ll get to do something like this. The kids aren’t in school, Michael and I can work from anywhere, so it’s like why not? The worst that can happen is growth. Something supernatural happens to humans when they go beyond their comfort zone. Not that our family was ever nestled peacefully anyway, but we are leaving a town that we adored. A place where we lived in luxury. We had everything we needed…but what needed us were our kids, our marriage.
Maybe Florida will be home again. Until then, we will be grounding ourselves not in a single location but allowing our roots to flow through different parts of earth. Collecting memories, experience, and knowledge along the way. I hope this time heals us. And I don’t mean “us” as a couple. I mean healing individually. That’s the only way we can make the right decisions moving forward. If at the end of this journey we find out we are better off separate, then so be it, but at least we know we gave it our all. We are walking together, and maybe just maybe this road of thorns will turn into a carpet of roses.
We’ve spent the last week in Branford Connecticut. It’s so peaceful, relaxing, a much slower pace and nice change of scenery. We are unpacking the rest of our boxes which we will be packing back up in a month…Our time here we plan on visiting a few places here on the East Coast, but the main focus is catching our breaths after 6 years of holding it. Breathing in, letting go, and letting God. Please wish us luck, and say a little prayer as we start this journey.